I never trusted the process

WRITTEN BY JONATHAN VILLAVERDE

To whoever ends up reading this, I’m hoping you’re here because this is the presumptive start of why it became worth it to be writing this right now. You were curious about where it all began. By being here, you think I was worth looking for the start. In truth, this is more like somewhere in the middle. Maybe someday I’ll speak retrospectively of what got me here but, to tell you the truth, I don’t even think I am anywhere at this point.

I’m not where I expected to be. I dreamt bigger than this even if I shouldn’t have. I admit, some dreams were too big. As a kid, I was sold that you could get something if you wanted something enough. As I grew older, I realized I never truly put in the work to get what I wanted. It’s easy to look back and think I wasted a ton of time but I don’t even think it’s that. I think I needed to learn how to become a hard worker.

For decades, it felt like I understood things with ease. It felt like I was smart enough to figure out almost anything if I ever applied myself. Part of my struggle through life is that I never really did apply myself. The teachers were right. Maybe some of my earlier dreams that could have been achieved by a younger version of myself could have been achieved if I had any sort of work ethic. However, I think that’s neither here nor there. I don’t want this to sound like I have a lot of regrets… Well, I do have a lot of regrets but that’s not what I want to talk about right now.

My point is today, I feel like I struggle more than I ever have. It’s harder to learn, it’s harder to feel or seem smart. I have more doubt than maybe I ever had in my life. Seemed like a logical time to start writing this. I am trying to learn to become a learner again. At 36, I’m trying to do what I could have done at 16. I am learning new skills and trying to trust that I will learn them. It’s hard though because it seems like I’m not good at it. Learning seems harder and in some ways, it feels like I let my mind degrade to a point where I have to work past a lot of struggle. It feels like my brain is out of shape.

I have been trying to teach myself programming. Something I started in university so I have some sort of baseline of it. I feel like I get the real basics of it so that’s nice but I find myself hitting walls that are so frustrating to get through. It’s frustrating that I just don’t get it. Certain aspects of computer science aren’t clicking with my brain and it feels like I could quit any time because I just don’t get it. However, I am trying to work through it. Even if I don’t quite get it, I am kind of just trusting small seeds are being planted in my brain. They are just going to take time to grow, an obvious metaphor.

Along with that, I’m trying to learn to become an athlete again too. I have been playing disc golf and I see myself at a plateau where I have quit games/sports in the past. I feel like I always get to a certain level of competence and then regress when I’m not quite elite. I’ve done that a few times. Ultimate, esports, videography, and writing, are all things I have shown a flare for brilliance but find myself eventually quitting or getting stuck. Now, I’m trying to fight through this point where I have quit other things in the past. I am trying to trust that I can get through it all even though I have a bad track record before.

I’m plausibly pulling myself into too many directions but, to be honest, I have no idea how to focus on a single thing forever. It is why I get bored at jobs quickly. I can’t do the same thing every day or I just lose it. It seems like this is a world where everyone needs to find their specialty and focus on that but doesn’t seem to reward someone who attempts to be a generalist. This is me though. Just trying to do the thing I’m interested in at the time and hoping I can find a way to prove something.

Who am I trying to prove it to? I don’t know. Myself, I guess. I just want to try to prove I can flourish living the way I try to live life. Other people talk about trying to find a place where they belong and, honestly, if I wanted to belong in a lot of places I could just do that. I am trying to look for something beyond that. I don’t quite know what that is but I have to believe I can find it.